I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
