first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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