Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize