I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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