I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize