Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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