so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
