so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
