he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
