I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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