I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
