Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
