New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I believe in your delicious
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
