I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
