im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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