And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
