I think my vagina is haunted
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
