I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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