just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
