i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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