I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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