is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
