47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
