I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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