Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
