anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
