What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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