just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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