Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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