Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
