I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
