Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
