Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
