Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
