I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
