Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize