Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize