i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
