I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
