Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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