I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
