I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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