a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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