Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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