I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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