1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
id be glad to
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
