fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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