my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
