real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
He kissed a someone with a penis
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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