Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
