I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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