Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We don't watch enough power rangers
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
