Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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