Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
