I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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