I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
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