Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
