So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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