I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
