I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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