I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
