guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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