so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
