Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
PS: I just woke up from my shower
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize