Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
